Wednesday, April 28, 2010

So Studly!

I forgot about this....oh well, better late then never.

Get this, Jane B., lives in Wisconsin and is the daughter of Mrs. H who lives in Kansas. Mrs. H. is friends with Mrs. C. Jane B. was visiting her mother over Christmas when Mrs. C. came along for a short visit. Jane B. showed her some of the quilting blogs she reads and mine was one of them (thank you by the way). Mrs. C. apparently believed her friend Mrs. 'I have no earthly idea' used to belong to an email list that my mother belonged to about 10 years ago (this I CAN believe - my Mother is BIG into email). My mother used to forward letters that I wrote to her when I first came north to the email list which I guess were then forwarded to Mrs. C. by Mrs. 'I have no earthly idea'. Are you with me so far? Need a break? I'll pass out cookies after the quiz. Mrs. C. believes this to be so because she swears she recognizes my writing style (I'm debating whether that is a good thing or not... ) although my profile name is the same too. She has asked Jane B. to ask me whether this is so and if it is so would I be so kind as to forward her or post one of those letters..... because she enjoyed them so much. Sigh, okay, here it is. (ooops, err.. wait... for those few northern readers, this is from my FIRST year north. I was naive, stoopid, a little ...oh never mind, just do me a favour and skip this post! Mrs. C. You owe me! I am so embarrassed!).

Honestly, I never thought I'd get to be the ripe old age of ::cough nevermind cough:: and find myself a stud magnet! Yes, yes, that's what I said and that's what I am. I have become the object of lust for all of the local studs. I am the attention of their lewd and lascivious affection - completely and utterly. It is all rather unsettling and if I'm honest - just a little bit thrilling!
I cannot walk the simple distance of 10 feet down the hallway from my office to the boardroom
without being overwhelmed in all directions and descended upon by dozens and dozens of studs. Yes, yes, the north is filled with them! I never really imagined that what they said about the north was true! Studs everywhere! Wheee!
They are positively depraved in their singleminded crusade to poke and prod parts of my anatomy that I'd prefer be left unpoked and unprodded - thank you very much! They haven't quite got to the point of sweeping me off my feet -but I'm a quiver in anticipation at every turn.

Pity about them being so small.

Pity about them being a little round and metallic.

Utterly tragic about their being attached to the walls and such.

Oh and did I mention their affection is electric and bright blue? I didn't? Oops!

I have become of late - the victim of unprovocated attacks by static electricity! Kilowatts of the stuff! Truly, I hate this time of year. Walk two feet and - Phzzzzzt! Another - Fzaaaat! It is -32 and 2 feet of snow lays across the lawn; and there is not so much as one drop of moisture in one molecule of air - anywhere. It wouldn't be too bad, if I could atleast gain some curly hair.

For some unknown reasons - I am the conduit where all static gathers - the repository of all that stud magnetism. I suppose it explains why I've never been able to wear a watch? But, as the years pass, it gets more and more ridiculous. My otherwise friendly-in-your-face-fuzz-ball of a cat has been hiding out under the bed for three weeks now. No amount of coaxing is going to entice her out from under there. I think she's been adopted by rogue dustbunnies. In the
wee hours of the night I hear an odd sizzling - followed by a pathetic hiss and a soft mewl.

One time - only one time - (I swear) I accidentally turned on the light while she was curled up next to me.... and I am now bereft of her company until late spring. Honestly, you'd think I'd docked her tail with a butter knife?

Even my friends have decided that if I am to be permitted to grace any sort of affection whatsoever on them - I have to be standing in the bathtub with at least 6 inches of water creeping up my around my calves.

The essence du static makes computing a little tenuous at best as well.
The IT guys at work have banned me from the lab. The last straw came this morning when they decided - en masse - that I wasn't allowed to sit at the computer until I'd removed my socks! I am now labelled a mouse killer! Hellooo! -32 people!

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